I was planning on visiting my granddaughters in September but due to physical complications I am not going to be able to visit with them at that time. I could go but I would not be able to play with the girls and be able to let mama and daddy have a night out since I cannot pick up much of anything. Only about 1 lb is my limit. I had so much that I wanted to do with them and be able to get to know them better since I live so far away.

One thing I know is that my oldest granddaughter has a very good memory so I was devising a plan so that she would accept the fact that Penguin would not be able to come up with me. She would wonder why he did not come with me so I planned that I was going to have a "I'm sorry" gift. Now that she is into My Little Ponies as well as Strawberry Shortcake, I was going to get a couple ponies as the gift with a card saying that he would be sure that he was on the next trip up to visit. Veronica is almost 4 and nothing gets passed her now. My youngest granddaughter, Cadence, is young enough that she would probably not remember that I said that Penguin would be making the trip.

I am truly disappointed that I will not be able to make this trip but in my present physical condition I would not be a good visitor. With all the stairs in their house I would be in a lot of pain. Hopefully the issue with my back and my left leg will get taken care of soon. I may be looking at possible surgery. I would love to avoid that, but if that is what it takes then I will do it.

As I sit here at 2 in the morning I have been thinking of things that have gone on in my life. I have made so many mistakes that I cannot possibly count them. I use to live in the world of guilt and regret because I battled with the past events that have happened. At times I thought that I would never move on and actually enjoy living free from the burden of those feelings. It was hard to stop because it was so normal for me. It was like I lived in a separate world.
I discovered that I was so rooted in the past that I could not move forward. It was like I was paraliyzed. I kept the anger and hurt from my childhood, marriage, treatment from some people in authority at a church. I was clearly not me. I would have never made many of the decisions that I have made if I would have faced the hurt and anger head on and allowed God to help me deal with it and put them in their proper places. For so long, I kept them very close. So close that I was allowing the hurt and anger to make my decisions.
I think that some of the issue was that I had a father that was abusive. He would hit me as if I were an adult. I turned my agresstion toward the boys in my neighborhood because I was able to be the controller in the situation. I couldn't beat up my father so I would beat up the boys because subconcious was causing this behavior because it was my way to hurt my dad but in reality I wasn't, but I was in control and I was the victor. I was told at the age of 8 by my father that he wanted me to be a boy and 2 years earlier....well, that was impossible to do so I did everything I could possibly do to be like a boy. I pushed myself to be the best and so far superior than boys in anything such as sports. I was the ultimite tomboy. I was very successful for a long time but then there came a day when I couldn't be that boy, the day I started my period. My body started changing to become a young girl. I hated that because I believed that my father would hate me. It was my fault. Looking back I realize that it was the enemy trying to keep my mind off the Lord who would show me that I had freedom.

My Precious Little Man

He is so handsome. He has the best from his momma and daddy. What a perfect combination. You cannot help having your heart melt because he is so adorable.

Interesting translation

I am in a place in my life that I listen to others and find that there are a lot of interesting translations to the way of the Lord. I have recently been in contact with a long lost friend by her choice. We are sisters in Christ but at the time of the separation of my friend connection she told me that she could not remain friends due to my views on God. The statement was made that I thought God was always looking for a way to punish me. Now I don't recall thinking that and if I did, well I have grown since that time. She recently apologized to me and ask me for forgiveness for her immature way of looking at things and judging others. I told her of course I would forgive her. She admitted to me that what she said about me was false and that I did not relate that in any way to her that I thought God was just waiting for the opportunity to punish me. We chatted on the subject and found that neither one of us believed that, but we both agreed that according to God's Word, His Holy Word that there are commandments that we are to follow. When we make promises to God, Covenets to Him that we need to follow His commandments. Now, we talked about how God knows that we are in a sinful world and that we will fail but that doesn't give us the right to do it anyway because we are forgiven. Just as Paul said "Heaven Forbide" We don't welcome and boldly walk into disobedience just because we know that the Lord has forgiven us. My friend said that if we willfully do this then maybe our committment to God was not true. That we should really examine ourselves and ask the Lord for guidence in the

Now What?

It has been since May 22 that I have been out of work. I had my surgery May 26 and was having pain in my abdomen for the longest time. I had a CT scan to see what the problem was but on the day I was to find out the results I was taken by ambulance that day. I had all sorts of test because they thought that I had a mini stroke. Come to find out that I developed DVT....Deep Vein Thrombosis. That is a clinical way of saying blood clot. I was not too worried about it until I found out how fatal it could be if the blood clot broke loose. It could go to my lungs, heart, or brain. Each one would take me to my reward in heaven. I was diagnosised on August 13th, 2009. I have pain in my leg most of the day. It will be more intense if I walk too much during the day. I do try to push my limit but I do pay for it later. As it stands now I have an appointment with a Vascular Surgeon to find out where I stand.
I am on Long Term Disability now and I can only stay on it for 1 year so that means by December I will be cut off from all monies unless the clot has dissolved before then. We shall see what the out come is. Well, as it is now I just have to wait for the results of the tests that I will go through. I will have to remain on Coumiden which is a blood thinner. I need to get a medical alert bracelet so that if anything ever happens that causes me to have to go to the hospital and I am not able to speak for myself that they will know that I am on that medication. Great huh?
I may have to remain on this for 6 months to 1 year after it dissolves. I will have to have follow up scans to make sure I have not developed another.
So, that is all for this moment.

Well, Christmas has come and gone and on to the New Year. I have to say that my Christmas was great. It would have been even better if my little Lucas was here too but that wasn't in the cards this year. I would have loved to had the snow that Adrienne and Lucas had for Christmas, but you don't get that in AZ so it is really hard to get into the season when all you see is brown and cacti. Ugh.
Even though I didn't get the weather that would lend to the season I did get to have my daughter, son in law, Veronica, and Cadence here. It was really funny that my oldest granddaughter. Veronica, thought that the rental vacation home was my house. She announced that it was beautiful. We didn't try to explain to her that it wasn't my home. I don't think that she would have understood it even if we tried.
She is so full of energy that I sleep almost a whole day after they went back home. I know that this is the reason that it is best that young people have children and not my age. Such imaginations they have. My Cadence was a busy little girl and quiet until something really upset her.
It was so nice to have everyone together. We had a really relaxed dining. Nothing elaborate. It was much better not having to spend so much time in the kitchen and spend more time with the family.
Now that Christmas is over I am trying to get a package sent to Lucas and Adrienne for Christmas and for Lucas' 1st birthday. I hope that he will enjoy what he will be getting. I am looking for something really special so I can get this to them.

Closure

Since I moved to AZ I have been in contact with my 2nd ex. I tried to be a friend and be understanding but he is so unhealthy emotionally, mentally, physically, and spiritually. He loves remaining in his life with alcohol as his god. After some real in depth soul searching I found that I needed so desperately to clean up all the things that kept me bound in my unhealthy boundaries. So, I made a phone call leaving a voice mail that he stop calling and that even if he does change his ways that I cannot have him in my life. I cannot even be a friend. He seems to suck the life right out of people like me. Someone that wants to help and fix things. To secure that he will not contact me ever again I sent an email to his mother so that she will understand my position and that he will have no room in my heart or life. I have felt such a burden lifted off of me and I am really happy with my decision. So far I have not heard from him especially the drunk calls that he would do. I am so glad that the Lord has led me to this. I cannot wait to see all the other changes that will take place in my life. I pray that the Lord will give me the strength to continue on in this cleansing.