Sisters

Something I always wish that I had was a sister. I am sure that my daughter, Kamille wished the same. To have that special connection that you cannot have with a brother or brothers. I am not saying that you cannot have a friendship with a brother but it just isn't the same as having a sister. Someone that would understand the things that you go through.

Well, my granddaughters have been blessed with that relationship. I have noticed as they get older they are interacting with each other more. I see how much my youngest granddaughter adores her big sister. She looks up to her and wants to do everything Veronica does. It is really sweet to see how much they love each other. They do have some differences in their likes and dislikes but for the most part they like the same things. Tay loves to play imaginary play like Veronica. They will in the future have their times where they don't get along but there will be a deep sisterly love that will always bring them back as the best of friends.

I have missed a lot.

My handsome little man, Lucas. I haven't seen him since he was 8 months. I have missed so much of his growing up. His mother took him and moved out of state then divorced my oldest son. The unfortunate thing is that she has used Lucas as a weapon. I am sure that he doesn't even know who I am. His mother has kept him from me and the rest of the family. I pray that the Lord will bring him back into my life and mostly his daddy's. I wish I had the money so that I could get a lawyer to get my grandparents rights. Then I could get to know him and show him that I have missed him so much. I don't know anything about him. I don't know what he likes. What he likes to do. It is really heart breaking. I have to be honest that I have been cheated out of my role in his life. I just have to keep faith in knowing that the Lord wants me to be in his life. To love him, hug him, and do fun things. To watch him grow up.

The sweetest little girls that I know. My wonderful granddaughters. I cannot believe that my little Cadence will be 3 years old very soon. Just 2 days before my birthday. Then my Veronica is going to be 5 years old in January on the same day as their Uncle Willy and Uncle Andrew. In fact, my father was also born on that day. If he were alive I know that he would have loved having his great granddaughter born on the same day as him.

I remember when Veronica was born. Unfortunately I was not able to be there. I was very sick with pneumonia so it would not have been wise. I wish I would have been able to be with my daughter when my first grandchild was born. Then when Cadence was born again I was not able to be there.At times I feel that I have failed as a mother and grandmother. I have missed out on a lot of firsts with them. In fact, they really don't know me that well. I at times imagine what it would be like to have the money to buy them a new home with a mother in laws quarters so that I could live near them and get to know them better. To be honest I am just a bit jealous of my son in laws parents. They have a lot of time with them. I pray that one day, hopefully soon, I will have a close relationship with my granddaughters.

Dear Lucas

Dear Lucas,

I haven't seen you since you were about 6 months old. You have had 2 birthdays since then and coming up on a 3rd in December. I am sure that you don't even know who I am by now. I don't know anything about you any more. It is sad that the things that happened between your mommy and daddy that caused this to keep you from knowing your daddy's, my son, side of the family. I have no idea if your mommy reads the letters I have sent you. I don't know if you got the gift cards I sent you and if they used them for you. All I can do at this point is to pray that the Lord will bring you back into my life and most of all your daddy's life. He loves you with all his heart. You may not know that because I am sure that at this time your mommy is not letting you know anything about your daddy unless it is bad things. I pray that the Lord will protect you from these kind of words. You are my sweet little man and I know that I will be able to show you how much you mean to me someday soon. I want you to know that your daddy is going to come see you soon and that you will get to know your Uncle Andrew too. I miss you so much that it breaks my heart to look at pictures of you. All I have are old pictures because your mommy will not let me know anything more about you. I have asked but she will not respond. I am sure that these things will change once your daddy gets to have you back in his life. Your daddy will let me see you all the time. So for now, all I can do is say that I love you and miss you.

Love you always, Your Nana.

Dear 15 year old Nancy

Dear 15 year old Nancy,

I know that it was really hard to move from all of your friends you grew up with and the anger that you built up inside because you felt that your parents were taking away your life and your future. Change is really hard especially when you were taken away from the people that knew you and still loved you. They understood you. It was hard to go away from all that you knew and move to a very small town. The anger and hate for your parents burned so deep that you decided to punish them by not making friends nor get involved with anything at your new school. It was as seen through your eyes as hell.

When your friend Cindy said that her mother and father offered to have you move in with them so you could stay in the school that you would have gone to if you didn't move to. You were so excited. To your dismay your parents said no. Not just no, but NO. It was not their job to raise you, especially through your teenage years. What was wrong with them. Didn't they realize that you would have been happier staying in Portland? What horrible parents. I mean, since your father had treated you as though you were nothing, why wouldn't he agree to it. After all, he is the one that told you when you were 8 years old that he wanted a boy and two years earlier than you. He made it known that he didn't want a daughter. He had already done so much damage that it only seemed right for him to agree to it to get you out of his life since you weren't what he wanted anyway. It wasn't your choice to move. It was your dad that got transferred to a stupid little town.

Well, back to going to a hick high school. It was really a ridiculous little school. The total students was just over 700. No way! Are you kidding me. This just made your soul burn with so much hate that it poured out when you was made to go to school there. Even the building was hideous. It was so old. It had to be more than 100 years old. Then you had the teachers. One of them had to be as old as the building. What was even worse is that you came into the new school 2 weeks after school started and most of these kids grew up in this crap town and everyone knew everyone, kind of like CHEERS, where everyone knows your name.You were the outsider from the very beginning and with your anger exuding out of every pore of your body, it was a horribly bad combination right from the start. The first day of school you pronounced your first teacher's name wrong and was corrected in front of the whole class at which everyone laughed at you. Humiliation was the start of your very first day and it all went down from there. All you could think of is how much you hated it. What good could come out of this place. So many of them, boys and girls wore country looking clothes. You know what I mean. Like cowboys. For crying out loud, how could you fit into this country hick school. In the first couple weeks you had some girl be really mean to you. She thought that you were trying to be better than anyone else there and all you were doing was keeping to yourself. It all happened after PE in the shower room. She shoved you into the gym lockers saying that you thought you were better than her just because you came from the big city. Well, you didn't stand idly by, so you shoved her into a locker and told her that you didn't think you were better than her just because you came from the big city, you knew you were better. Interesting thing with that, she never bothered you again and a lot of the girls came up to you saying what you did was great. That girl always thought she was top dog just because her daddy sold real estate. Funny note, her father was the agent that helped your parents find the house they bought.

Time passed ever so quickly but at the same time, ever so slowly. Your mother pushed you to get involved and to make friends. You did everything not to just to show your parents how you were not going to enjoy life there. After a while you let your guard down, you let someone into your life. As time passed by you started to make more friends. Then you started to hang around those that were not the best but it was all rebellion. You started staying out later than you were suppose to. Your mother would get very angry and upset but you didn't care because you were going to pay them back for moving you to this stupid little town. Then you started to go to parties and drinking. That was bad enough but then you started to smoke pot. Then you found speed. After a while you would experiment with anything that didn't involve a needle. You became a liar to hide everything that you were doing. Sneaking out of the house. It was all rebellion. Time passes on to where you decided to have sex. You were really getting back at your parents for hurting you so much. It was all about you.

I wish that I could go back to you when you were 15 and tell you that it really wasn't that bad. All your anger and hatred did hurt your parents but all the things that went with it was really hurting you. I would tell you that the Lord loved you always and that He could have really blessed you if you would have not played the "it's not fair" game. Life isn't always fair. The Lord told us that the rain falls on the just and unjust alike, so look to Him and He will get you through those times that seemed so horrible. I would want you to know that He has wonderful plans for you and that all you need to do is to trust Him with your life. I mean really trust Him. I would tell you that you are a beautiful young woman with so much to give. So much love in your heart that you needed to let that shine through. You would have made better decisions on what direction to take your life.

Nancy, you did make those mistakes but God loves you anyway. That is why Christ died for you. I want you to know as well, that I love you too.

Your older and sometimes wiser self,

Nancy

What does the future hold??

What does my future hold for me? Very good question. So in order to try to answer that question I have to realize that I only have control of my future and present to a degree. I know that I have to depend on the Lord to guide me in the right direction and decisions. I feel that I have the right to ask the Lord for a good life. I believe that I have the right to ask the Lord to guide me in my life's walk. It may sound that I am being selfish and uncaring for others but I'm truly not. The Lord says that we can come to Him and that He wants to pour out blessings upon us. All I am saying is that I am asking for blessings. I ask that my future be blessed and that He will show me the right direction to go. I have hopes and dreams and I have things that I want in my life.I want to be not only a blessing to my Lord and Savior, but a blessing to my family and friends. I want my grandchildren to get excited when Nana is coming to visit. I want to have my grandson back in my life. I want to have a place that I can call my home be it an apartment or house. I want my health back. I want to get my certification as a Sign Language Interpreter. I want to make a good living even though I am starting so late in life.I want my oldest son, through Jesus Christ to beat the demons down that want him to remain in a drug controlled life. I want my daughter to know that she is loved and that she can do anything she puts her mind to. I want my youngest son to know that I love him and that he finds the place where God wants him to be. I want to know my Lord better. I ask God to pour these blessings into my life. They are true and straight from my spirit.

24 years ago

24 years ago my mother passed away. June 9th, 1987 my mother passed from this world to her reward in heaven. This day changed my life forever. Holidays would never be the same, but Mother's Day was the one that I had the most trouble with. Who was I to celebrate and honor on that day. I wasn't able to call her for her advise ever again. She was there for me from the simplest to the most complex of issues in my life. I felt that I lost a part of me that could never have a possibility of restoration. My heart had broken into pieces and there was no glue possible to fix it. There were now pieces that were missing never to be found again.

On Mother's Day our church would celebrate mother's by giving carnations. Of course it was wonderful to receive the red carnations from my children but it was so hard to accept a white carnation for my passed mother. Even though I was blessed by God for my three children and I was always guaranteed to get my favorite flower on a day specially created for that one person in your life that would be there for you no matter what you do and how you treated her, your mother. My mother at times showed how nieve she was but she still had a lot of wisdom that as I got older and had my own children I depended on. Although when I was growing up and especially my teenage years I thought that she only wanted to be mean and keep me from fun, I now realize that all she was doing was trying to raise me up to be a mature woman, friend, wife and mother. As time passed I was able to see that my mother didn't just show me how to live but also how to die. She showed her faith in the Lord through her end days. It was so hard to see her in the condition that she was in but she knew that she would have a new body, free from sorrow and pain. Though I was not with her when she passed onto her new life that Salvation gave her I know that the Lord gave her a peace when she crossed over. I know that it has been a lot of years since that day but I miss her. There have been so many times that I wish she was here to give me her wisdom. But, she did teach me to rely on the Lord through tough times even when I created those tough times myself. She showed me a reliance on the Lord more than I could ever imagine.

I love you Mom and miss you.

A human boom a rang. Is it possible? Can it be? What would be a deciding factor to classify one as a human boom a rang? Well, I would think that the main ingredient would be that you go from one place to another and back again. If this is correct, then I am one. I am now living in Oregon