I know that it was really hard to move from all of your friends you grew up with and the anger that you built up inside because you felt that your parents were taking away your life and your future. Change is really hard especially when you were taken away from the people that knew you and still loved you. They understood you. It was hard to go away from all that you knew and move to a very small town. The anger and hate for your parents burned so deep that you decided to punish them by not making friends nor get involved with anything at your new school. It was as seen through your eyes as hell.
When your friend Cindy said that her mother and father offered to have you move in with them so you could stay in the school that you would have gone to if you didn't move to. You were so excited. To your dismay your parents said no. Not just no, but NO. It was not their job to raise you, especially through your teenage years. What was wrong with them. Didn't they realize that you would have been happier staying in Portland? What horrible parents. I mean, since your father had treated you as though you were nothing, why wouldn't he agree to it. After all, he is the one that told you when you were 8 years old that he wanted a boy and two years earlier than you. He made it known that he didn't want a daughter. He had already done so much damage that it only seemed right for him to agree to it to get you out of his life since you weren't what he wanted anyway. It wasn't your choice to move. It was your dad that got transferred to a stupid little town.
Well, back to going to a hick high school. It was really a ridiculous little school. The total students was just over 700. No way! Are you kidding me. This just made your soul burn with so much hate that it poured out when you was made to go to school there. Even the building was hideous. It was so old. It had to be more than 100 years old. Then you had the teachers. One of them had to be as old as the building. What was even worse is that you came into the new school 2 weeks after school started and most of these kids grew up in this crap town and everyone knew everyone, kind of like CHEERS, where everyone knows your name.You were the outsider from the very beginning and with your anger exuding out of every pore of your body, it was a horribly bad combination right from the start. The first day of school you pronounced your first teacher's name wrong and was corrected in front of the whole class at which everyone laughed at you. Humiliation was the start of your very first day and it all went down from there. All you could think of is how much you hated it. What good could come out of this place. So many of them, boys and girls wore country looking clothes. You know what I mean. Like cowboys. For crying out loud, how could you fit into this country hick school. In the first couple weeks you had some girl be really mean to you. She thought that you were trying to be better than anyone else there and all you were doing was keeping to yourself. It all happened after PE in the shower room. She shoved you into the gym lockers saying that you thought you were better than her just because you came from the big city. Well, you didn't stand idly by, so you shoved her into a locker and told her that you didn't think you were better than her just because you came from the big city, you knew you were better. Interesting thing with that, she never bothered you again and a lot of the girls came up to you saying what you did was great. That girl always thought she was top dog just because her daddy sold real estate. Funny note, her father was the agent that helped your parents find the house they bought.
Time passed ever so quickly but at the same time, ever so slowly. Your mother pushed you to get involved and to make friends. You did everything not to just to show your parents how you were not going to enjoy life there. After a while you let your guard down, you let someone into your life. As time passed by you started to make more friends. Then you started to hang around those that were not the best but it was all rebellion. You started staying out later than you were suppose to. Your mother would get very angry and upset but you didn't care because you were going to pay them back for moving you to this stupid little town. Then you started to go to parties and drinking. That was bad enough but then you started to smoke pot. Then you found speed. After a while you would experiment with anything that didn't involve a needle. You became a liar to hide everything that you were doing. Sneaking out of the house. It was all rebellion. Time passes on to where you decided to have sex. You were really getting back at your parents for hurting you so much. It was all about you.
I wish that I could go back to you when you were 15 and tell you that it really wasn't that bad. All your anger and hatred did hurt your parents but all the things that went with it was really hurting you. I would tell you that the Lord loved you always and that He could have really blessed you if you would have not played the "it's not fair" game. Life isn't always fair. The Lord told us that the rain falls on the just and unjust alike, so look to Him and He will get you through those times that seemed so horrible. I would want you to know that He has wonderful plans for you and that all you need to do is to trust Him with your life. I mean really trust Him. I would tell you that you are a beautiful young woman with so much to give. So much love in your heart that you needed to let that shine through. You would have made better decisions on what direction to take your life.
Nancy, you did make those mistakes but God loves you anyway. That is why Christ died for you. I want you to know as well, that I love you too.
Your older and sometimes wiser self,
Nancy
