As I sit here at 2 in the morning I have been thinking of things that have gone on in my life. I have made so many mistakes that I cannot possibly count them. I use to live in the world of guilt and regret because I battled with the past events that have happened. At times I thought that I would never move on and actually enjoy living free from the burden of those feelings. It was hard to stop because it was so normal for me. It was like I lived in a separate world.
I discovered that I was so rooted in the past that I could not move forward. It was like I was paraliyzed. I kept the anger and hurt from my childhood, marriage, treatment from some people in authority at a church. I was clearly not me. I would have never made many of the decisions that I have made if I would have faced the hurt and anger head on and allowed God to help me deal with it and put them in their proper places. For so long, I kept them very close. So close that I was allowing the hurt and anger to make my decisions.
I think that some of the issue was that I had a father that was abusive. He would hit me as if I were an adult. I turned my agresstion toward the boys in my neighborhood because I was able to be the controller in the situation. I couldn't beat up my father so I would beat up the boys because subconcious was causing this behavior because it was my way to hurt my dad but in reality I wasn't, but I was in control and I was the victor. I was told at the age of 8 by my father that he wanted me to be a boy and 2 years earlier....well, that was impossible to do so I did everything I could possibly do to be like a boy. I pushed myself to be the best and so far superior than boys in anything such as sports. I was the ultimite tomboy. I was very successful for a long time but then there came a day when I couldn't be that boy, the day I started my period. My body started changing to become a young girl. I hated that because I believed that my father would hate me. It was my fault. Looking back I realize that it was the enemy trying to keep my mind off the Lord who would show me that I had freedom.