How strange it is, this thing called life.

I reflect on my life and see that through my mistakes I found wisdom. I have at times taken a longer time to learn a lesson from some of the mistakes but none the less I did learn something that at some time in the future I was able to help someone through their rough spot in their life. There are times I wish that I had been wiser so that those pitfalls in my life would not have been something that I would have had to experience. The only thing is that if I walked a different path then that ripple in the walk through life would not just change me but it would also effect my children and those that have been in my life. Maybe I would not have met some of those people. Maybe my children would not have the lives they have now. What would life be like then? Would I have been the same person? Would my children be who they are? I think of these things but the problem with that is that I am where I am meant to be. So why think on these things. It is really a waste of time because it creates doubt, guilt, anger, revenge, sorrow and much more. I had this life because I chose for such a long time not to have the Lord on the throne of my heart. I know that through the things that I did that for some reason the Lord protected me even when I was choosing my own way. As I revisit my past there are things I have done that clearly showing that the Lord was not the first person that I spoke to for advise. I seemed to run on auto pilot which I see that when I was running my life in that matter I was opening the doors wide open so that the enemy could walk right in with out any problem. In fact, some may think that there was an invitation sent out so that it would be easy to come in for my life's party. Sadly, it was true that I was walking on the wide path to destruction. As age has come my way I am trying to draw closer to my Lord, Jesus Christ. Do I still make mistakes? Yes, but I am aware and bring it before the Lord and gain the forgiveness that was already given at the time of my salvation. So, I realize that I will make mistakes I will see them quicker so that I can bring that knowledge to my book where I have filed all the problems I have had but now I see the difference from my past and my present. The Lord has been with me through out all my life and has never been different, it is me that is different. I see where God was waiting for me and now I see God faster and able to see His hand so clearly. Does that mean that I am prefect ? NO, it is that I try my best to make better choices and have more confidence. How strange it is, this thing called life.

What's the use!!

I am lost at the moment. I feel like I am in a very bad movie and there is no hope or chance of happiness. So, what's the use. Why walk this path because I have walked the same path so many times in my life. I keep tripping in the same potholes, fall because I again did not see the same rock that I stubbed my toes on. The same bruises, scratches, and cuts. Each time I start out I hope for something different but unfortunately there are not any changes. No matter how hard I try I cannot get out of this place. I am trapped and condemned to this horrible place. Never changing. I would love to hear the birds sing, watch the flowers bloom, to feel the warmth of the sun, and to gaze at the clouds that take shapes of mysterious far off lands. To smell the crisp and refreshing ocean winds as it plays around you.and teases my hair. My eyes are open but they are blind, I scream for help but there is no sound to be heard. I reach to feel the softness of the green grass but I look and I have no hands. So, what is the use. I then know that I must get on my knees and cry out to my Lord. Seek His joy, ask for wisdom, ask for His strength and most of all ask Him what His Perfect Will is for my life. There may be bumps in the road but I know that I can make it through because the Lord is with me every step of the way. If I look to Him I will hear the birds sing, watch the flowers bloom, feel the warmth of the sun and gaze at the clouds that take shapes of mysterious far off lands. There is so much that He will show me and give me as long as I humble myself. He wants nothing more than to bless me. I just have to quit looking at me and keep my eyes on Him. Thank you Father for helping me grow up. You have shown me so much and that you have taught me that old dogs can learn new tricks. You are amazing.

I hope that you enjoy.

I hope that you enjoy this

When do you stop walking on egg shells

Now as the title asks "When do you stop walking on egg shells" You stop having to bite your tongue when the people that you were around are not on your friends list on any of your blogs. If you read my blog and you don't like what I have to say then stop reading it. Quite frankly, if you get offended by my insight or thoughts then my hat is off to you. Now you may wonder about that last statement...it is because it is like watching Smoking Gun presents....World's Dumbest. I will think of the catagory later. So for those that read my blog and you start to feel that anger fill you up inside, or maybe guilt then you really should ask your self, maybe these emotions are because you have done something that the Lord would not approve of.

I have found that my new doctor thinks that I do have a problem with a nerve impingment. I have been living with pain since May 26, 2009 when I had surgery. I have suffered through DVT and exstremely sensitive pelvic area which makes the skin in that area sensitive to touch. There is also pain in my left leg

I was going through some of my things, making decisions on whether I will keep it or throw it away.

Listening to God

Today I read a blog that really caught my attention. Reflecting on the Grace of God. It was very interesting that when you throw away a marriage, kidnap the child that your spouse helped create when something goes wrong. I would not have anyone think that it was alright for the parent that did something wrong. But when that person does everything to get cleaned up they are still being faulted for the issue. Now remember that God had forgiven the person with the issue. That is why this person was able to move forward. With that in mind you would come to a natural conclusion that the other person in this marriage would be there to encourage and build up. Work to get trust back and remember that when the vows were spoke it is a convenient t with God. The real truth is that the person that ran away has decided that it is OK to spit in God's face. I am sure someone might think that my last comment is outrageous but it is fitting when seeing the actions of that person that chose to walk away. The bad thing is that person is using the couples child as a weapon. Liken to a sword, sharp and lethal. As time has passed I have witnessed how that person uses the weapon, slashing and piercing the flesh of the soul and spirit. As this person speaks you can smell the stench of the enemy. In the background you can hear the laughter of the evil one. Observing the actions of this person you see how the evil one has appeared as an angel of light. He has been working overtime to make sure that this family is fractured and broken beyond recognition. He is a liar and has found the weakness to make his move. To speak as if he is God.

One thing that I have been doing is to watch how I speak. To call on the Lord to help me recognize when the evil one is trying to slip into my thoughts. To really listen to the Father is the most important thing to do when those that you love and care for are going astray. Asking for the wisdom to know when you lend an ear but let your mouth be still.

Lucas, you are in the hands of the Lord.

Lucas is my sweet little man, my grandson. Unfortunately I am currently not able to watch him grow up to a handsome young man. I remember being able to hold him when he was born. It was only for a little time because he was born just a little early so he had to stay at the hospital. It was wonderful to see him come home for the first time in his life. He was small but you could tell that he was going to be the cutest little man born and he would steal your heart. Of all my grandchildren, Lucas was the only one that I was able to be there when he was born. What a wonderful gift. He was born 12/23/2008 just a couple days from Christmas. He was one of my best gifts that year. I became a Nana for the second time on 11/14/2008 with a granddaughter then I was blessed with Lucas. There is no way anyone could look at this picture of Lucas and just melt. He has the sweetest smile.

I was planning on visiting my granddaughters in September but due to physical complications I am not going to be able to visit with them at that time. I could go but I would not be able to play with the girls and be able to let mama and daddy have a night out since I cannot pick up much of anything. Only about 1 lb is my limit. I had so much that I wanted to do with them and be able to get to know them better since I live so far away.

One thing I know is that my oldest granddaughter has a very good memory so I was devising a plan so that she would accept the fact that Penguin would not be able to come up with me. She would wonder why he did not come with me so I planned that I was going to have a "I'm sorry" gift. Now that she is into My Little Ponies as well as Strawberry Shortcake, I was going to get a couple ponies as the gift with a card saying that he would be sure that he was on the next trip up to visit. Veronica is almost 4 and nothing gets passed her now. My youngest granddaughter, Cadence, is young enough that she would probably not remember that I said that Penguin would be making the trip.

I am truly disappointed that I will not be able to make this trip but in my present physical condition I would not be a good visitor. With all the stairs in their house I would be in a lot of pain. Hopefully the issue with my back and my left leg will get taken care of soon. I may be looking at possible surgery. I would love to avoid that, but if that is what it takes then I will do it.

As I sit here at 2 in the morning I have been thinking of things that have gone on in my life. I have made so many mistakes that I cannot possibly count them. I use to live in the world of guilt and regret because I battled with the past events that have happened. At times I thought that I would never move on and actually enjoy living free from the burden of those feelings. It was hard to stop because it was so normal for me. It was like I lived in a separate world.
I discovered that I was so rooted in the past that I could not move forward. It was like I was paraliyzed. I kept the anger and hurt from my childhood, marriage, treatment from some people in authority at a church. I was clearly not me. I would have never made many of the decisions that I have made if I would have faced the hurt and anger head on and allowed God to help me deal with it and put them in their proper places. For so long, I kept them very close. So close that I was allowing the hurt and anger to make my decisions.
I think that some of the issue was that I had a father that was abusive. He would hit me as if I were an adult. I turned my agresstion toward the boys in my neighborhood because I was able to be the controller in the situation. I couldn't beat up my father so I would beat up the boys because subconcious was causing this behavior because it was my way to hurt my dad but in reality I wasn't, but I was in control and I was the victor. I was told at the age of 8 by my father that he wanted me to be a boy and 2 years earlier....well, that was impossible to do so I did everything I could possibly do to be like a boy. I pushed myself to be the best and so far superior than boys in anything such as sports. I was the ultimite tomboy. I was very successful for a long time but then there came a day when I couldn't be that boy, the day I started my period. My body started changing to become a young girl. I hated that because I believed that my father would hate me. It was my fault. Looking back I realize that it was the enemy trying to keep my mind off the Lord who would show me that I had freedom.

My Precious Little Man

He is so handsome. He has the best from his momma and daddy. What a perfect combination. You cannot help having your heart melt because he is so adorable.

Interesting translation

I am in a place in my life that I listen to others and find that there are a lot of interesting translations to the way of the Lord. I have recently been in contact with a long lost friend by her choice. We are sisters in Christ but at the time of the separation of my friend connection she told me that she could not remain friends due to my views on God. The statement was made that I thought God was always looking for a way to punish me. Now I don't recall thinking that and if I did, well I have grown since that time. She recently apologized to me and ask me for forgiveness for her immature way of looking at things and judging others. I told her of course I would forgive her. She admitted to me that what she said about me was false and that I did not relate that in any way to her that I thought God was just waiting for the opportunity to punish me. We chatted on the subject and found that neither one of us believed that, but we both agreed that according to God's Word, His Holy Word that there are commandments that we are to follow. When we make promises to God, Covenets to Him that we need to follow His commandments. Now, we talked about how God knows that we are in a sinful world and that we will fail but that doesn't give us the right to do it anyway because we are forgiven. Just as Paul said "Heaven Forbide" We don't welcome and boldly walk into disobedience just because we know that the Lord has forgiven us. My friend said that if we willfully do this then maybe our committment to God was not true. That we should really examine ourselves and ask the Lord for guidence in the

Now What?

It has been since May 22 that I have been out of work. I had my surgery May 26 and was having pain in my abdomen for the longest time. I had a CT scan to see what the problem was but on the day I was to find out the results I was taken by ambulance that day. I had all sorts of test because they thought that I had a mini stroke. Come to find out that I developed DVT....Deep Vein Thrombosis. That is a clinical way of saying blood clot. I was not too worried about it until I found out how fatal it could be if the blood clot broke loose. It could go to my lungs, heart, or brain. Each one would take me to my reward in heaven. I was diagnosised on August 13th, 2009. I have pain in my leg most of the day. It will be more intense if I walk too much during the day. I do try to push my limit but I do pay for it later. As it stands now I have an appointment with a Vascular Surgeon to find out where I stand.
I am on Long Term Disability now and I can only stay on it for 1 year so that means by December I will be cut off from all monies unless the clot has dissolved before then. We shall see what the out come is. Well, as it is now I just have to wait for the results of the tests that I will go through. I will have to remain on Coumiden which is a blood thinner. I need to get a medical alert bracelet so that if anything ever happens that causes me to have to go to the hospital and I am not able to speak for myself that they will know that I am on that medication. Great huh?
I may have to remain on this for 6 months to 1 year after it dissolves. I will have to have follow up scans to make sure I have not developed another.
So, that is all for this moment.